My Greatest Fear

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I am a huge Lord of the Rings fan, and over Christmas break, after receiving the Extended DVD Edition of The Return of the King, the final installment in the trilogy, I watched all 6-8 hours of extra “making-of” footage. It was magnificent.
I came across something today which I wrote the night I finished watching all of the extra footage, which ended in a sort of good-bye from all the people who made the films possible. I’ve posted it below.
I may be making myself a bit vulnerable, but that is something that most people are all too afraid of most of the time anyway. Perhaps I’ll write more about that later. For now, my greatest fear…

January 2, 2005

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Having just finished viewing the DVD Appendices of the making of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, the final film in the trilogy, the principles John Eldredge teaches in Wild At Heart come to mind. At the heart of every man is the deep desire to make an impact, to leave his mark on the earth during his time here. Viewing this documentary has left me wishing I could have been a part of the creation of these films, even if in some small way. The epic nature of the tale they tell only intensifies this feeling.

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I am left with the deep desire to take part in a great undertaking, a daring adventure or a heroic journey . . . and a slight fear gnaws at my mind telling me I don’t have what it takes. This is my wound.

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In the past when asked what my greatest fear in life would be, I gave it a moment’s thought before claiming it was the fear of being alone. Not alone in a general “no one else is around” sense, but that of never finding, rescuing, and romancing my bride. Of living my days in silent singleness until I have earned a crown of gray, and eventually, a grassy plot on a gentle hill at the local cemetery.

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I was wrong. Rethinking the question, I would now say that my greatest fear would be to die and be forgotten. To stare death in the face only to realize that in all my years on earth I had done nothing of worth, significance, or deep impact.

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2 Responses to My Greatest Fear

  1. ryan says:

    I feel you on that one. I mean really, do you know who your grandparents’ grandparents were? I don’t; and they were around only a couple hundred years ago, which is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. It is not very comforting to know that my life may be completely forgotten after my grandchildren have gone. I am determined to do something that will keep my memory alive some time.

  2. Reid says:

    First of all, brilliant trilogy, even better book. Josh, I can’t even describe to you how glad I am that I found your blog. I saw the title of your post “The Secret of C.S. Lewis” in your right side bar, and was pleasantly surprised to see insightful writing rather than slander. Thank you so much for the information you’re posting here, and please know, in regards to what you mentioned in this post, you are far from alone. I too have a desperate desire to live in deep fellowship with God and to truly make a difference here in this world of His creation. As I read a few of your blog posts, I couldn’t help but be surprised that your passions and desires fall quite in line with my own. Keep up the great work my friend, pray hard, and go wherever God leads you. I look forward to seeing your name in a bookstore someday.

    P.S. If you feel like getting in touch, drop me an email at . Keep up the great work!

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