Things That Do Not Fly: Rootbeer

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Picture with me, if you will, a big yellow piece of machinery known to most as a “forklift.” Now imagine that you are operating that forklift, a powerful driving force with enough might to cut clean through a two-by-four with the grace of a gazelle.

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I drive the forklift at my grandpa’s beverage distribution company. I’m the warehouse manager for the summer while I’m in town. Anyway, the other day while working I discovered the answer to one of life’s great questions: Can rootbeer fly?

My long days of research and strenuous testing confirms that no, it cannot.

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I was pulling a pallet off the very top shelf in the warehouse, and unbeknownst to me, the plastic wrapping of the pallet next to it had caught on the backside. The plastic was slowly stretching outward as I backed up, inching one of the boxes of glass rootbeer bottles closer and closer to the edge. A moment later I see, as if in slow motion, a heavy white box of rootbeer cutting through the air and exploding into the ground. The box was no match for its contents, which easily broke through, shattering into hundreds of pieces and sending rootbeer flying 15 feet in every direction. A white blanket of foamy suds an inch thick now covered everything within a few feet of the point of impact, gravity slowly sliding it towards the concrete.

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If you can imagine the grandest of fireworks, but viewed in the day and composed of glass, rootbeer and foam, then you’ll have a pretty good idea of what I am talking about.

It was magnificent.

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