|October 18, 2004
so lately it's occurred to me
how...impersonal...my website really is.
How impersonal I myself can be.
I have lots of things that I've written and created, and I've told several stories about how God's working in my life. And sure, I've even got a blog that will tell you all about my classes, going-ons at CSF and just basically how extremely busy I've been lately.
But really, when you strip it all away, all I really share is everything going on around me without sharing as much about what's going on in me, such as my thoughts and worries, etc.
I've recently discovered that I'm actually afraid to let people in. Let people know what I'm really thinking and feeling about stuff. I always find myself trying to justify why I believe what I believe, think the way that I do, laugh at the jokes I find funny, and react in certain situations in the ways that I do. Here's a minor example: out of all of the t-shirts and sweaters I own and wear, only three of them have any sort of lettering or graphic or anything printed on the outside. This I now see as my fear to let people see me for who I really am. By wearing a shirt that says something across the front of it, I'm letting them see a piece of me, of my personality. A very tiny piece, yes, but that's not the point.
I'm tired of bending over backwards to make everyone happy.
The quote and picture above is a perfect example. I find it hilarious. I laugh when I read it. However, even posting it on here, I automatically begin worrying what people will think. But what if they think I actually feel that way about my own life? What if they think I don't believe I'm good enough to really be somebody?
Well, I'm tired of worrying about what people think. From now on I'm going to try much harder to simply be me, the real me. Not the fake. Not the poser. Me.
I'm tired of the cage I've built around myself. This is a scream from deep in the soul of the real Josh Clark. The one that, unfortunately, has been hiding for most of his life. This is a roar of "Freedom!!" like William Wallace in the movie Braveheart. If you haven't seen it, you really should.
So, think what you want, but this is who I am, and I'm not changing. Not for you. Not for anyone. Not anymore.
Thanks for reading. Looking forward to you getting to know me.